Choose your Partner

​This topic is complex, and of course it has many dependencies, but I'll try to simplify things in order to highlight few basic concepts that I think remain valid in many situations.

I'm assuming you're looking for your partner, either husband, wife, or just the right person with whom you'll be happy to live, as long as it goes. This assumption excludes finding someone for a weekend. For the sake of simplicity, I'm assuming you're a girl looking for a boy, but as said before you can be any person, looking for any person. The approach of this article stay the same, and I've divided it in 3 sections:

• Easy
  
• Curious
  
• Mature
  

When it comes to our partner, we know that many factors contribute to find the right person, including: age, gender, social status, religion, physical, and mental qualities.

Easy
Let's call this approach Nice & Easy, to highlight a sense of attraction which is driving you here.
There are a number of websites around that aim to support your choice, and media play a key role to influence it as well. Just think at the ads where she's using the latest perfume to seduce that guy who's really terrific. It's in human nature to look interesting, attractive or unique in some way, and this will implicitly call for a balance, a partner to complete your qualities, and fill up your expectations.
If you join a website with this hope, you may probably find easily your partner, and if doesn't work, there are many others to choose from. Alternatively you could find him in the external world, say on social events, disco, pub, dancing classes etc. In those places you can meet people easily, and without pre requisites.
The downside of this approach, is that as you find him easily, he too finds you easily. This means that your 'love story' is probably not going to last long. If you're happy with it, then this is probably the best option, providing you're clear about your expectations. But wait a minute, what expectations? I don't have any, you may say. Well, this may sounds good as it doesn't put barriers, or limitations, and it seems to support spontaneity and creativity. But if you don't have expectations, are you sure your partner too doesn't have any? Probably not. You're assuming he doesn't, but often this is not the case, as he may do have expectations, and he'll put them on your shoulders. Like it or not, this is what happen most frequently, as everyone has some sort of expectations. (Don't you?)
If his expectations are matching with yours, then everything should be fine, otherwise you may want to quit this story, and start from scratch a new one.
As you probably noticed, the Nice & Easy approach can be quite unstable, it consume time and energy, and in some circumstances may be even dangerous if you meet the wrong guy. Worst case, you may want to escape from you own story as quick as possible, before you sink in troubles. This is usually where many unfortunate events happen. Usually the nicer you look, the worse it is. But if you're lucky, the Nice & Easy may works great for you, if your partner's expectations are met. Please note how this last point is crucial. If you meet your partner's expectations, then you're good with each other, though the probability for this to happen is quite low. Normally with Nice & Easy you don't bother to check whether your partner is the right one or not, at least at the beginning, and this opens the door to virtually anyone. You may say, well there is nothing certain or 100% safe in this world, so why bother? That's true, then why locking your front door, or your car? You want to be free from rules, good but this apply to your partner too, are you happy with this? If the air is polluted, what harm can do a cigarette, or some smoke? Why we can't leave free like birds in the sky? (Actually all animals including birds follow rules). Why bother with rules, when we can live happily in the present? You don't know what kind of present, but that is a different story, Carpe Diem.


Curious
This is where people start to be a little more cautious about their partner. Say, you're interested to find someone, but not anyone, and you're looking for few qualities (consciously, or most often unconsciously).
For instance your partner's age should fit into a range, and physical qualities like height are not negotiable.
As long as you keep your expectations realistically achievable, this approach may works great for you, and because you've some target in your mind, you filter out any unwanted individual upfront.
Because of the unstable nature of the Nice & Easy approach, you opted to find your partner in a different environment, say at the gym, or at the swimming pool, or wherever it may be.
In this approach you feel quite comfortable with what you've, but you realize that your life is not complete untill you find the right partner. As you're less open to risk, so does your partner. This means that you narrow down your search, and in parallel you cut the probability of getting the wrong guy.
Usually with this approach you're more likely to find someone that shares the same interests and expectations, so all you need is to follow your heart, and see where it brings you. To do that, you need to put some values at stake, in other words something you consider valuable. For instance, he should have a job (a honest one maybe), or a will to look for one. This will ensure some financial autonomy for both of you.
This approach usually tend to be constructive, won't disrupt your life with unexpected outcome, but it may take longer to fulfil your expectations.


Mature
With this approach you're probably not looking for anyone in particular, although unconsciously you still have constraints in your mind. For example, you're satisfied with your life, and since you don't have much expectations, you're not looking for anyone to fulfil them. Note that this doesn't necessary mean that you don't want to meet anyone. It simply say that you're quite happy both ways. Even if you stay alone is fine, and you're not sending out messages saying that you're looking for someone.
For you staying alone is precious, liberating, and immensely creative. You don't suffer or sadden just for it. Rather you tend to enjoy this condition, since when alone you can be retrospective, hear the silence within, and start investigating your true nature, beyond the physical and mental appearances. It's an opportunity to be rather than doing or having something, but why you do that? Because deep in yourself you know that freedom is from the person, not of the person, and true love regulates everything.
If you were to look for someone, you would probably have more constraints, in general hardly negotiable.
For example, you're not smoking, veg, no alcohol, and not particularly interested to have a social life.
Values regulates your life, for example you love working with children, you do some volunteering, and you try your best to help others by sharing what you know, or by listening to their stories. You find that by doing this, you can give them the love and compassion that you feel within.
Of course with these constraints, your search narrow down to even fewer individuals, but you're not worried about that.
In contrast with other approaches, here you tend to expand towards others, without expecting a return, rather than trying to enjoy it. You don't go after pleasures, and you don't sabotage yourself, since you know that pleasures are temporary and are just an interval between two sorrows. You believe that the opportunity to share your values, is its own reward, and you stick to your values and integrity.
You may think that this approach is theoretical, and unpractical in many aspects of a real life, but that's not the case.
For example take the Open Source (OS) community, in software development.
People working in OS basically volunteer to write code for free, and they devolve lots of time to it. Worldwide many thousands of people enjoy to work for free this way, and you may wonder what's the motivation behind it?
Well, this people share a common expectation (coding) which clearly they enjoy, plus they meet new people with the same interest, and they keep on learning new things while doing it. This is particularly relevant in the software industry since new technologies keeps on emerging, and if you're not updated, your professional profile will be less attractive (eg. you'll find harder to get a new job).
Of course this attitude and dedication is also present in other aspects of life, and is probably dominant in the healthcare industry, and in human rights support.

If interested you can read more about Yoga, and motivational theories, including: Maslow (Hierarchy of needs), and McClelland (Need for achievement, affiliation and power).